SPEAKING OUT FOR CHANGE



icture this. It’s any given day somewhere

in NY and I am running a table to give

out information about the COLAGE NYC

chapter at some luncheon at some venue for queer

families. Heaps of queer parents come up to the

table excited to see there is an organization made

for their kids. Then they see that I am wearing a t-

shirt that says Queer Spawn on it accompanied by

the ever so cute I (heart) My Lesbian Mom button.

“So you grew up with a gay mom, huh?” Yes, I say.

“How was that for you?” hoping to hear me say

that it was awesome and their kids will be happy

to have had a gay parent because no issues would

ever come of it.

The truth is, life was complicated. No matter

what I tell these parents, every queer spawn has

a story, and not one of the hundreds of stories I

have heard is the same as the one before it. We all

have different experiences and mine is just one of

the millions of queerspawn tales.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 6. My mother

is Jewish, my father is Irish-Catholic and for years

my mother would tell me they split up because of

religious differences. My mom had been friends

with another woman for a couple of years — best

friends. I would visit my dad on weekends and he

didn’t like this other woman at all and would tell

me that. I didn’t really understand why. Within the

year, she moved in with my mom and me. She took

the extra bedroom I always wished another baby

would take. Mom said she was helping us pay the

rent. Such a funny excuse now that I look back and

realize we owned our house.

For years, my mom and I would explain to my

friends and their parents that she was her best

friend who helped to watch me and keep the

house in order. I kind of only sort of believed

this was the whole truth but didn't argue. When

I was 11, during a visit with my dad, he started to

aggressively question the relationship between

my mother and this friend. Though he never

directly outed my mother to me, I knew what he

was getting at. I freaked, called my mom to have

her pick me up, and got in the car.

It was out - literally- they were gay but we

decided to not tell anyone at school. We thought

it would be better if no one knew. I heard the kids

talking about fags and being gay and how that was

horrible so there was no way I was going to open

my mouth about it to anyone. I actually never said

“my mom is gay” out loud until I was 18 and in

college over 100 miles away from home.

Being gay didn’t exist in my town. If it did, those

people would be ostracized by everyone. I was

angry and upset and ished it wasn’t me that

had a gay mom. I hated her for being gay and for

causing me to keep this secret. I now know that

I wasn’t upset with the way my mother parented

me, only that she was not what society expected

her to be and that everyone around me was telling

me this is wrong, gross, NOT NORMAL! Living in a

world with these messages is the problem, not

our parents.

After college, I finally found out about COLAGE

and connected with other grown up queer spawn.

It’s amazing how close I feel to this new ound

family. However, with the growing acceptance of

my mother being queer came the growth of a lot

of pent upanger and sadness that the world is still

homophobic. Every time I hear people preaching

that faggots are "going to burn in hell" I feel

things I felt when I was a little girl with a closeted

family. People don’t think it could be possible for

these beliefs to exist in New York City, but every

morning in a major subway station I hear a person

screaming things that I take ever so personally.

Anger and aggression enters through me and

sometimes ruins my day. It’s like I am making

up for the tears I never cried and fights I never

fought as a child.

The issues of homophobia that other kids are

face are still present, even in the most urban

and liberal of places. I see the importance now

of a safe spaces

               

                                                          









  

     



 







   

continued on page 14





      



    

    

Just

For Us

  

  

  

  



I was willing to talk

about my family and

what problems we

have because we don’t

have marriage. When

my mom first told me

I was excited to talk

about how offensive it

is that we don’t fully get the same rights. I was

really nervous but I was also excited to help get

marriage for my family and others like me.





I was kind of shy because I wanted to get it over

with. But my mom rubbed my back while I talked

so I could slow down and have a good time. I got to

wear a beautiful dress and there were cameras and

microphones in my face. That was fun. Everyone

told me that I was gonna be a star! I felt proud of

the courage it took me and now I hope I get to do it

again sometime.

      



We were at the courthouse just last week. My moms

picked me up from school and I was really looking

forward to it. They switched rings and it was

exciting.

 

 

continued on page 2

Dear friends and family,

When it comes to COLAGErs,

the topic of health impacts

us in so many ways-

- physically, mentally,

emotionally, legally,

politically and more.

For generations, homosexuality

was and transgender identity remains (falsely) medically

diagnosed as illnesses. Over the past three decades,

the ‘Right’ has claimed LGBT people and parents are

dangerous and unhealthy to children. Many of us are

impacted by institutions and laws that do not treat our

families justly or equally and therefore affect our ability

to access and receive health care. I see connections

between the ways in which unequal health care access

impacts queer families, poor and low income families,

immigrant families and other families facing oppression.

We all need and want, in fact it is our human right, to be

healthy, to have the means to take care of ourselves and

each other and to have our health care needs attended

to in an adequate, dignified and relevant manner.

We can not ignore that living in a society with

homophobia, sexism, racism and transphobia takes a

toll on COLAGErs’ and our families’ mental and physical

health. Many of us, in our past or even today, live silently

or hidden in the closet whether that is a decision made

by us or our parents. I believe the depression, self-harm

and abuse which (do) manifest in our lives and families

(despite many of our parents’ and LGBT organizations’

attempts to deny this reality) are a reflection of

society’s outright discrimination against and disregard

for us and our communities. It is crucial for us to be

aware of the effects that internalized oppression can

have on our well-being in order to move towards a

positive place of resiliency in the face of prejudice.

My lesbian mom is one of my primary role models

for achieving personal and community health. She is

diligent about taking care of herself-- both in terms

of her body and home (by making environmentally

sustainable choices, leaving unhealthy relationships,

and eating according to her blood type) and also in

terms of her mind, spirit and community (by finding

ways to creatively express herself, building sacred

support among an intergenerational, multi-cultural

circle of women, and being an activist for global peace

and justice). I think that queer parents often give

us unique and vital access to families, communities,

hobbies, ways of being and other outlets essential for

living healthy lives.

The idea of organizational health is also an important

theme as I write. Right now COLAGE is taking time for

reflection and self-examination through a new Strategic

Planning process. Taking stock of where we are and

better defining our goals and programs for the future

is a way of promoting a more healthy organization for

all of us youth and adults with LGBTQ parents. Together,

COLAGE board, staff, volunteers, donors and base are

creating new strategies and traditions for how we and

society can be healthy – beginning with us.

As always, we hope you enjoy this issue of Just For

Us and that it will inspire dialogue and action to

foster healthier individuals, families, and communities.

Wishing good health (of body, mind and spirit) to you

and yours!

Beth Teper

           

           



























     



COLAGE EnGAG Es , COn nECts , An d Em pOw Er s pEO pL E tO mA kE t hE w Or Ld A

bE tt Er p LACE fOr C hiL dr En O f LE sb iA n, G Ay, bi sExuA L, A nd /Or t rAn sG End Er pA rE nts A nd fA mi L iEs .











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



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







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

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

 





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

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

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

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

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

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

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

     

   

    





I was able to make a difference

because I was the only kid there

to testify. They could see how kids

are feeling and understand how we

aren’t supported. It’s not our fault

that we have gay parents. It’s the

law’s fault that they don’t protect us.

I think I helped get people to support

marriage and civil unions.

     





Yes. For one it helps kids because

we go to school and get bullied by

people who say, “Your parents never

got married.” Now we can say "they

had a wedding, a civil union." The

bullies won’t be right anymore.





If there is a bully it’s no big deal.

They may have an opinion about you

but it’s not true. You don’t have to

answer questions about your family.

And if you are having a problem, tell

a grown up and get support. You

don’t have to do it all by yourself.

continued on page 15







o r

t h e

pa s t

3 +

years I have

volunteered

as a crisis

counselor for Community United Against Violence

(CUAV), an organization that works to end violence

within and against the LGBTQ community. CUAV was

started in the aftermath of several infamous hate

crimes in San Francisco, most notably the murder

of City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George

Moscone in 1978.

A good-sized chunk of the calls CUAV receives

on our crisis line come from LGBTQ people who

are experiencing hate violence, intimidation,

or discrimination in housing, employment, and

public services. However, after hate violence, the

vast majority of remaining calls we get relate to

domestic violence (also referred to as intimate

violence and relationship violence). The situations

described by callers range in severity from very

unhealthy relationships (in which the affected couple

might benefit from extensive individual and group

counseling) to the very-abusive relationship (in which

it is necessary for the relationship to end before one

or both parties is seriously injured or worse).

There are many myths that try to minimize violence

in LGBTQ relationships. Some of the most common

include the idea that the violence is ‘mutual’;

stereotypes that gay men are too ‘effeminate’ and

lesbian women too ‘nurturing’ to engage in violence;

or simply the misinformation that such violence

is only a problem for heterosexuals. 

    

     

      

   Above

all, it is an issue of power, control, and dominance in

which one partner is seeking to systematically deny

the other person their full range of options within

the relationship.

Coincidentally, my work with CUAV started around

the same time as I began working with COLAGE,

and these overlapping activities drew some serious

and alarming gaps to my attention. Within CUAV, I

received an incredible amount of information about

almost any aspect of LGBTQ inter-personal violence

that you can imagine: information specific to gay

men, lesbians, bisexual people, and trans folk;

information about abuse in same-sex couples and

in polyamorous relationships; how abuse differently

impacts LGBTQ people due to race, ability, class,

and other factors; statistics; local and national

resources; the list goes on and on… yet at no

point in our training did the subject of families, or

LGBTQ folks with children, ever come up. This is

not a fault of CUAV’s – they did an amazing job of

getting their volunteer counselors pretty much all

the information that was available. Unfortunately,

information about violence in LGBTQ families simply

wasn’t available.

Similarly, at COLAGE, we often spent a lot of time

talking about challenges facing LGBTQ families,

and the many ways that children from our families

may experience forms of social violence such as

isolation, bullying, discrimination, or other negative

impacts due to the homophobia directed against us.

Yet, during these discussions within COLAGE and

with our partners in the LGBTQ family movement,

the issue of violence in our families was rarely

mentioned. COLAGE has yet to develop any formal

resources or programs to help children (or parents)

experiencing violence within the home. Partly

because COLAGE doesn’t have the resources to

single-handedly develop comprehensive resources

around family violence, particularly if organizations

that do focus on violence are not taking steps to

include families in their data gathering, analysis,

service development, and policy recommendations.

If LGBTQ groups that work on violence aren’t

thinking about families and LGBTQ family groups

aren’t thinking about violence, where does this

leave children and parents who are struggling

with an abusive loved one and want to protect

themselves? There are many good reasons our

community avoids talking about the violence

that can, does, and will continue to occur in our

homes and private relationships. For one thing,

LGBTQ relationships are already scrutinized and

characterized by homophobic law-makers and

religious leaders as inherently sick and unhealthy.

This tactic has provoked the LGBTQ movement,

especially the family wing, to go to great lengths

to prove that our relationships and families are

healthy, effectively pushing the issue of relationship

violence into the closet. It is of critical importance

that activists and leaders in LGBTQ social justice

movement work to counter the misinformation

of the Christian right without putting out myths

that keep us from recognizing, preventing, and

responding to a major health and safety issue that

affects everyone, gay and straight alike.

Children in LGBTQ families where violence occurs

live a world bound by ‘double-layers’ of secrecy,

isolation, and shame. A child experiencing abuse

usually keeps that abuse a secret – and children

from LGBTQ families invariably go through periods

of being less open about their families. Thus, a child

in an LGBTQ family where abuse is happening is

functioning under a double-layer of secrecy – who is

in their family as well as what happens within their

family is information that must be closely guarded.

A person who is engaging in abusive behavior

generally takes steps to isolate the person they are

abusing – but LGBTQ people and their children are

often already isolated by homophobia. This double

layer of isolation makes it even less likely that a

friendly neighbor, teacher, or other community

member will be able to recognize the possibility of

abuse and extend a helping hand. People who are

being abused – regardless of their age – tend to

have a lingering reaction of ‘shame’ (a feeling that

there must be something wrong with them, or they

must have done something to bring on the abuse);

and once again LGBTQ people and their children are

often already struggling with shame as they live in

a social and cultural landscape that consistently

derides them as mentally unstable, perverted, and

immoral. If someone believes that the violence they

are experiencing is their fault, or that they don’t

deserve any better, they will not value themselves

enough to take steps to reduce the violence they

are experiencing.

I have now spent a lot of time working at LGBTQ

family events, summer camps, and other programs,

not to mention responding to letters and emails sent

to the COLAGE office. I know for a fact that violence

happens in our families because I have seen it and

heard about it. Given the double-layer secrecy/

isolation/shame effect I have described here, and

the minimal availability of data and resources for

our families, I believe that violence is probably

more widespread than we realize or may be willing

to admit. We also live in a time in which many forms

of violence are widespread and socially supported

– war, torture, poverty, and police brutality are all

major national and local issues. As we think about

how to keep ourselves healthy and how to move

our community forward politically, it is my fervent

hope that all of us take responsibility for addressing

violence in our lives and the lives of people we love.

We have spent enough time playing the PR game

with the religious right: it’s time to start defining

and solving our own problems on our own terms.

Jesse Carr has two lesbian moms and grew up in central

Pennsylvania. He lives in Oakland, CA, and works for

Generation FIVE, an organization working to end the

sexual abuse of children within five generations. Jesse

continues to work as a hotline counselor for CUAV and

provides informal trainings on the impact of violence on

children with LGBTQ parents and our families.

                               

             







  

 

 







       

       





       



      

   

       

 

        









         



       





        

      

      

      









  

        

     

      



       

        







       









       

   

  

       









       



    

     



       



















        



Kristen Beireis is a Life Coach for adult children of the

GLTB community. Kristen started Amazing Steps to

reach out to this community and help others find their

unique, authentic selves, and live their lives in a way

that serves their individuality. For more information

visit www.amazingsteps.com.











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







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









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



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





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







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







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

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









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



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



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







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





Deanna Makinen lives with

her brother Troy and her two

moms in New Hampshire where

she founded the COLAGE New

Hampshire Seacoast Chapter.

She was diagnosed with AML

Leukemia in March 2006 and

received a bone marrow trans-

plant from her brother last fall.

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( )

- .

 















      



      









    

         

         

         

        



        

          



       



         

          







          







        





        



         

       





       

        



    

       







        



       







Amanda Litwin works for the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Family Services

Program where she spends most of her waking hours planning and imple-

menting fun programs for LGBT parents and their children. She enjoys

meeting other queerspawn, taking pictures of Buster Potpie (her tortoise),

and blasting queercore music when she is alone in her apartment. She also

spends possibly unhealthy amounts of time talking about fat cats and

watching episodes of The Golden Girls.

                

    

y mom came out when I was 8 or 9...in

the third grade anyways. It was a difficult

time for lots of reasons not least of which

was the fact that my mom underwent the process

of leaving my dad for a woman in her practice (my

mom is a midwife and her partner was an ob-gyn

she worked with) in a small New England town. I

lived in this space where I didn’t know who knew, who cared, who was talking.

Before my mom came out I had never heard of a gay person and I had no idea

what the word lesbian meant. My dad was really angry about it and his reaction

taught me that I should be ashamed and I shouldn’t talk about it unless I was

ready for a freak out.

I remember sitting on the bus on my way to school and thinking “man I just want

to stand up and shout that my mom’s gay and that I don’t care and that if anyone

has anything to say about it then say it to my face” but of course I didn’t. I was

terrified of people’s reactions, I loved my mom, liked her partner and knew there

was nothing wrong with my family, but I didn’t know how to talk about it. So I

really didn’t tell anyone except a couple of my best friends who had family issues

all their own and who didn’t care about who my mom slept with as long as we

could still play in our world of innocence-not-quite-yet-lost.

When I did start speaking about my mother being a lesbian (and started doing

all the things that go along with that - educating people as to what a lesbian is,

answering a long barrage of questions as to what it was like, how hard it must

have been, etc.) I remember getting reactions from my friends that were like

“Well, I believe that that’s wrong and against God and your mom’ll go to hell,

but we can still be friends.” I would just take it; that was the reaction I expected

and I didn’t challenge it (even though my insides were going “What??? You go to

hell! That’s my mother you're talking about!”).

I am pretty convinced that a big reason the talking and negativity died down

during high school was due to my success as a very openly hetero-normative

person throughout my young adulthood. I had boyfriends, I didn’t get into

trouble, I got good grades, I was active in student council and our community

service club. I mean, I was the picture of a “normal” high school girl. And that

made it easy - for me, my moms, my little sister (my mom’s partner gave birth

to a baby girl about 1 year after my folks got together using donor insemination).

I showed everyone that having lesbian parents didn’t make you a freak, didn’t

make you gay yourself, didn’t hurt you in any way. That was my triumph. It was

my coping mechanism - being normal in every way was my way of avoiding all

the hard emotions that I never dealt with around my mom’s lesbianism. My

older sister coped differently; she freaked, dropped out of high school at 15 and

                      

continued on page 12





                



o me, having a gay parent has always

meant that certain aspects of my life

are more difficult. After 20 years of

my Dad being out I still get embarrassed when

people ask me if my father ever remarried

after my parents divorced. Besides having to

deal with the prejudices that are associated

with being gay, in the past 20 years the AIDS

epidemic put a different twist on it.

I remember sitting with my dad at a restaurant on Seventh Avenue and 15th

Street in Chelsea, New York, the kind that the tables are much too close

together so you are literally having dinner with the people at the table

next to you. The words were still resounding in my head "Pamela I need to

tell you something. I have Hepatitis B." My immediate thought was "well

at least it isn't AIDS."

It was really hot and and I felt annoyed and upset all at once. I started to

cry and wanted to get out of there. "Now listen I don't want you to get

upset about this. I am not actually symptomatic. I was in for my blood work

and the doctor noticed very high sugar levels which apparently is a way to

detect it. When they tested for the Hepatitis virus it came back positive."

The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur but when I got home I told my

husband everything I knew.

I immediately went into research mode. The virus attacks the liver, which

causes jaundice and eventual liver failure. Someone infected with the virus

cannot get a liver transplant because they virus would simply attack the

new liver. It was another way that my dad's sexuality was going to affect

my life and I wanted it to stop.

The only drug that they were using to combat Hepatitis B wasn't getting

great results. Also, by taking the drug you risked becoming sicker than

you were before you started treatment. The virus is prevalent in the gay

community. The thing that really bothered me about this though was the

fact that there is a vaccine and my father never got it, not to mention that

he must have had unsafe sex. What was he thinking?

My father was told he had between 18-24 months to live. He and his partner

made the decision to retire and move to Palm Springs California. There is

a large gay community there, and it is located in the desert. My dad has

always loved warm weather. He also became part of an experimental drug

program nearby.

After they moved to Palm Springs, my Dad would travel once a month to

La Hoya and he was subjected to various blood tests, and given different

rounds of drug treatment.

Now, almost ten years later, my daughter and I just returned from spending

winter break in Palm Springs with Grandpa. His last visit to the doctor in the

fall of 2006 found that the virus has completely left his system. The doctors

think that a combination of his change of diet, elimination of alcohol, and the

experimental drugs that he was on has enabled his body to fight the virus. I

still get upset and I feel like he could have prevented this all from happening if

he had behaved responsibly.

But in the end, I thank god everyday that my Dad is still around and most

importantly that my kids are able to know Grandpa.

Pamela Geary lives in Westchester County New York with her husband, daughter and

son. Her dad came out when she was 18 and she sometimes found it to be a struggle.

After spending years in politics, Pamela now works in public relations.

               





very February 14th for the past 6 years, I have accompanied my two

moms to our local county clerk’s office in San Mateo County, for

National Marriage Equality Day. Every year, we have been the only

LGBT family in our county to go to the county clerk’s office and ask for a

marriage license. My moms and I would go in with the required $80.00 in

cash, their birth certificates and their

passports. Every year, we waited our

turn in line, but would be denied a

license. It was always painful, hurtful,

and a devastating reminder of the fact

that my parents and my family were

second class citizens, without the same

rights and protections that most other

families have. It was hard to walk away

every year with a heavy heart, feeling

pain that only someone who is denied

equality could relate to.

It was easy to understand why no other LGBT families from our county would

go to ask for licenses. Why would anyone choose to be reminded of being

unequal? However, there was another side to why we went in every year

to ask for a license. We were reminding our county clerk, his staff, and the

people of our county and state via media attention, that there were couples

and families who were members of their OWN counties and communities

who were not only living, but were suffering without basic civil rights! For

my family that includes access to health care benefits, and basic family

protections because my parents are a bi-national couple. In showing up year

after year, we were giving a face to a family, one of MANY in our county, and

one of MILLIONS in our country, affected by the lack of equality. Without

society seeing the faces, and hearing the stories of families and children in

this country affected by inequality, they could neither understand nor relate

to this issue, nor could they possibly realize that they had the power and the

obligation to help support equality, and help it become a reality.

Last year, I decided that there had to be a better way to gain support from our

county and state leadership. I was tired of going in and being denied a license,

and I felt that I could do more to educate people, and gain support from our

leaders and our community. So, I decided to ask my county clerk Warren

Slocum to stand with me and my family publicly and say that he believed in

equality for ALL people and ALL families. After meeting with me face to face,

he was affected deeply.

This year, our county clerk wrote a letter to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

asking that the Governor allow him the right to marry all the people in his

county. He also sent it to every county clerk in California. This February

14th, 2007, I stood on the very same steps that I had stood alone with my

moms, only two years prior. However, this year we were far from alone!

Standing alongside my moms and I was County Clerk Warren Slocum, my

Godfather- California Assemblymember Mark Leno, California State Senator

Leland Yee, COLAGE, many leaders and organizations, and between 100 to 200

LGBT people, couples and families!! Though our county clerk could not issue

marriage licenses, his office created a historical book, providing pictures

of families, and allowing families to write and design their own pages, as a

permanent reminder of the history that we were all a part of.

So one might wonder, how in two years time could we go from being the

only LGBT family in our county, to this year standing with our local and sate

continued on page 14

Marina Speaks during the Rally as

COLAGE youth support her





The COLAGE Bay Area Community celebrates at the annual Bowl-a-thon, December 06

COLAGErs with COLAGE

E.D. Beth Teper show

off their Halloween

costumes during the

dance at the Act OUT

conference in Dallas.

COLAGE Speak OUT member, Becca Lazarus,

testifies at the Connecticut State Capitol to

win marriage equality

Children from COLAGE New

Orleans enjoy parachute games

A few representatives of COLAGE Los Angeles show

off their COLAGE pride early in February

COLAGErs at the Speak OUT training in San Francisco, January 07

Members of COLAGE Hudson Valley make pizza at their

recent Pizza-Making event

            

Josephine and Geraldine Speak at Youth Advocacy

Day in Sacramento, CA



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



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



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

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





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

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



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









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

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

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



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





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

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

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





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

              

         



        

         



        

         

           

   





















          

            

          







            



          



               

    







Youth participants in the COLAGE Speak Out event in San Diego, CA.



     

      

     

       



       

       

      









     

 

       

     







  







      

     



     

      

    







     





    



     

      

        

     

     



     



        





      

   

    

  

    

   

    

   

   











    

  

   





    





     

  







       

















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

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

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

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



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

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







      

       

     

















      





       

        



     





       

       









      

      

   

       

       

    







        

     



      







    

        





        



     







    

      

    

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















       



     









         

       

     

        









      







































      

     

    

         

      

      

         







         



     







       

        



        

That’s

So Gay        













       





         

         



     

         

       

     

     

   







     



         



  





          



        

        



        

        



                         





never looked back. I didn’t. I was “normal”. I was a

straight, "good" girl.

But was I? That’s a question I grapple with every

day - I have since I was a kid and I still do. I’ve

always had a huge aversion to entertaining the

possibility that I might be attracted to women and

I’ve never really understood why. My mothers would

be pleased as punch if I brought home a woman

for thanksgiving dinner. During college I had a lot

of friends that came out or that were questioning.

Currently I have both coworkers and friends who

are gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and questioning. So, in

the midst of what is a very accepting and supportive

community, why am I still uncomfortable admitting

that my sexuality is not simply heterosexual?

I think that a part of the answer to that question

relates to the impact that being ashamed of my

momma had on my mental wellbeing and my ability

to recognize and be comfortable with ALL of my

sexuality, not just the hetero parts. In other words,

I think that my experiences as a kid resulted in

a LOT of internalized homophobia...I’m all about

everyone around me expressing the nuances of

their sexuality but I’m scared of my own.

I am currently working at a rape crisis center whose

mission is to support survivors and friends/family

of survivors during their healing process. We all

recognize that healing is a process unique to each

individual in their quest to become whole. Working

in this environment has really driven me to think

about all the ways that I am not whole - all the ways

that I have sliced off different parts of my identity

because I am uncomfortable admitting that they

exist. Survivors of sexual assault are inspiring folks

- its difficult to articulate, but I somehow feel that in

doing my personal work towards wholeness, looking

my discomfort, my fear, my anxiety in the face, I

am honoring not only myself, but all of the amazing

survivors that I work with on a daily basis.

My mental health has been impacted by my experience

as a kid who went through a divorce and the ensuing

coming out process of my mom. All I can do is try to

understand this and move through it in whatever way

I need to. For me that means finding a therapist who I

can trust to see me through the scary journey of my

child-mind. I am lucky to have a (male) partner who

encourages me and supports my process. It’s one

that will only benefit our relationship, as I become

more comfortable with each n’ every part of my

identity. I don’t want to be sliced n’ dicedanymore

- I want to be whole, healthy, looking forward to

whatever comes.

Tia is a 25 year old daughter of lesbian moms who

lives in Washington DC. She works at the DC Rape

Crisis Center as the Counseling Assistant and SANE

(Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners) Program Advocate.

She loves riding her bike, meditating, and eating

yummy vegan creations.





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



       

       





      



        

         

       

















           









           







 









      













            







           























          

       



       

      







    



          

 

    

        

   

             











































           



    













           









For more information about youth and HIV/AIDS, one place to visit

is www.advocatesforyouth.org/hivsti.htm.

Jenny Laden lives in Brooklyn, NY. Grew up in Philadelphia, PA and had a fabulous gay

father named Richard who died from HIV/AIDS in 1996. She is a visual artist (see her

work at www.jennyladen.com) and is expecting her first baby in July! YAY!





               

A number of

years ago, my

q u e e r s p a w n

mentor Stefan

Lynch told me he

was “retiring” as an official spokesperson to pursue

a degree in nursing. I marveled at his solid sense of

clarity. And then I made it “all about me.” I asked

him with wonder: “How will I know when it is time

for me to move on?”

“You’ll just know,” Stefan said confidently.

His response wasn’t helpful at that moment, but now

I know what he meant. Now I “just know.” It’s time

for me to do something else. I want to take on new

challenges outside of the queerspawn movement.

And I want to get out of the way for new energy and

leadership to come forward within the movement.

For my final column, I share with you something I

wrote on my blog for “Blogging for LGBT Families

Day.” This sums up what I have strived to articulate in

the 12 years since I first facilitated a COLAGE group.

I am a grown queerspawn, meaning I am among

the countless adults walking among us who have

one or more LGBT parent(s). My father came out

to me when I was five

years old.

Really??  am asked

nearly every day of my life,

What was that like?

Here’s what it’s like:

Countless

times I have received an unsolicited judgement,

without realizing my entire conversation had been

something of an interview/assessment to deem me

“normal enough.” Comments I wish I had a nickel

every time I heard      

       

      



(What is the appropriate

response? “Um…thank…you…??”)

In third grade, peers started

asking aggressive and inappropriate questions

about whether or not I was gay, too. Implicit in the

questions was the idea that my father did not deserve

to be a parent if he couldn’t raise kids that were

heterosexual. The questions didn’t let up until…oh

wait…I’m still asked aggressive and inappropriate

questions about my sexual orientation.

     

  ut I say it’s the other

way around. LGBT families are just trying to live

our lives with dignity, not going out of way to

strip other people of their basic human rights. In

first grade I developed an irrational fear of white

men dressed in suits, worried they would take me

away from my father to “save” me from the evils

of homosexuality. This fear was based in a truth

that still exists today: anti-gay politicians will do

anything to try to prevent  people from being

able to adopt children. Some politicians go so far

as to advocate laws that would remove children

from gay foster parents with whom they are already

bonded. Our families live with the low-grade stress

of always bracing ourselves for the next attack.

   Ultra-conservatives who

oppose the mere existence of gay families wring

their hands asking, “What about the children? It is

unfair to subject children to this lifestyle.” At the

same time, they conveniently refuse to acknowledge

that these families already exist. The laws they try

to pass to invalidate gay families erode children’s

sense of dignity and security.

     

Being out as queerspawn,

especially as adults, matters because it’s the only

way we can find one another. When we do get

together, it’s a lot of fun — a connection you never

let yourself notice you were missing.

Abigail Garner, 34, is the author of Families Like Mine:

Children of Gay Parent Tell It Like It Is. This is her final

column in Just for Us. She will continue to blog at

www.AbigailGarner.net.

      





leaders, several hundred other LGBT families,

and being fully supported and embraced by

our leadership? The answer to that question

is easy. I expected my leaders to stand with

us, I asked them to, and they recognized

their duty, responsibility, and obligation. It

is the obligation and the responsibility of

every leader to lead for EVERY member of

his or her community. To do less, is to ignore

those members of their communities who

are suffering from lack of equality. If we

show our leaders how to support us, we are

helping them understand the duty that they

have, as well as the power that they have to

make a difference. You see, we MUST expect

equality. When we expect them to lead for

us, they will. To be happy, healthy, strong,

empowered people, we must believe that

we can make a difference, and not simply

accept less than we should. Each of us has

the ability to create great change, thereby

making ourselves stronger, wiser, and better

people. And in turn, we pass on that strength,

inspiration, hope, and belief to others.

We can’t wait for change, and we can’t expect

others to make it happen for us. We can’t

always measure the differences that we make.

However, inspiration, hope and change spread

faster than we can ever know. It also touches

more people in positive ways than we can

imagine or believe. It is up to us as individuals,

and also as a community, to stand up together

and lend our voice, our visibility, and our

support for our families and our youth. If

we expect equality and we demand it, we

may in fact get it! I believe that on the day

that we as communities stand up together

expecting FULL equality for ALL people and

NOTHING less, we WILL indeed change the

world overnight.

Marina Gatto is a freshman at the University of

California Berkeley and a nationally recognized

LGBT family activist. You can see one of her

attempts to secure a marriage license for her

family in the COLAGE produced documentary, In

My Shoes: Stories of Youth with LGBT Parents.

www.colage.org/inmyshoes.



such as COLAGE to talk about our families. The ability to

express how we feel is essential to us living as healthy

queer spawn. To live in silence is like living without air,

and make us feel like the forgotten members of the LGBTQ

community. I am lucky to have found a safe and secure

group of colleagues, friends, and boyfriend who make no

assumptions of me because of my family and who I know I

can rely on when times get difficult. We can not erase the

past experiences but we can use the adversity we faced

to become more open-minded people ourselves and can

find communities that support our mental health. Maybe

that's not what parents want to hear when they ask me

how it was but remembering the bad times allows me to

move beyond them towards a healthy future. If I could sum

this up in a couple of sentences I guess that’s how I would

respond to the queer parents that constantly ask me how

it was. But remember your own story and remember the

bad times also affect the positive attitudes and energy in

you today and always.

Dori Kavanagh is the chapter coordinator of COLAGE NYC. She

grew up in NJ with her lesbian mother and her partner. Dori

lives in Brooklyn, NY and will be graduating with a Master’s

Degree from Hunter College School of Social Work in May 2007.









      

    

     



    

     



    



      



     



   

    

     











     





      





   

  





 

    

  

 

   

 





      



    



       

      





       



      

     

      

  

 

  

   





  

   

  

  

  

       

















       

       

    

     

        











I go to school with confidence so that I can be healthy and

proud. The civil union is healthy for me cause I am not sad

because now my parents are legally married. I also like to

exercise a lot and go outside every day.

         



People all around the world are different. You can not change

that you have LGBT parents. You should never be sad or

ashamed. Be happy, get good friends and a good education

and celebrate that you are different. Anything different about

you is good and special.

Editors Note: As of 2007, New Jersey began offering Civil

Unions to LGBT couples. Ongoing activism in the state

continues to advocate for full marriage equality.

Sydney Macmanus-Smith is in the 3rd grade and lives in Howell, NJ.

Sydney plays softball, soccer, basketball and swimming, and enjoys

writing and loves animals. Sydney says that she might grow up to be

a lawyer or a teacher.



Pamela Liebowitz

Jesse with his mom's

partner, Julie



My name is Sydney MacManus-Smith. I am 8 years old. My family has me, my sister, my brother,

mommy Karen, Mommy Honey and our dog, Benny. I know I can’t vote but I hope you will listen

to my story.

When I was 6 years old, I was playing at a playground. Two girls who were about 9 or 10 years

old started playing with me. One of the girls noticed a very little baby with his mother. They

asked me about the father. When I explained who I the father was, one of the girls said that

white and brown people can not get married and have children.

I was very upset and said that brown people and white people most certainly can get married

and have children. I told them my brown and white parents are married. Then I pointed to

each of my moms. The two girls were even more upset by my saying that two women could

get married. They said there can not be such a marriage. I offered to show them a video of

my moms’ wedding to prove that they were married. Then I threatened to tell their parents

if they do not stop the mean remarks.

Even now I hate these bullies being correct because my moms still can’t get married at the

courthouse. It’s up to you to change that. People are getting bullied because the law treats gay

people different. Please vote for gay people to get married. Marriage should be one law for all.

     









































































nonprofit org.

u.s. postage

paid

san francisco, ca

permit no. 925

return service requested







COLAGE Tucson

(520) 624-1779

tucson@colage.org

COLAGE Phoenix

480-217-9340

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323-860-7397

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COLAGE SF/Bay Area

(415) 861-KIDS

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(303) 458-1050

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(860) 922-3868

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Daniel Miles-Thomas

(727) 823-1806

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COLAGE Tallahassee

850-847-7640

colagetlh@yahoo.com

COLAGE Atlanta

kathy@megafamilyproject.org

404.808.3350

Central Illinois COLAGE

(309) 287-0620

Bloominginnrml@yahoo.com

COLAGE Chicago

(773) 548-3349

chicago@colage.org

COLAGE Fort Wayne

(260) 485-1552

COLAGEFortWa[email protected]

COLAGE Indianapolis

indy@colage.org

COLAGE Kansas City

816.931.4420

www.lgcc-kc.org

COLAGE New Orleans

daleliuzza@colage.org

(504) 301-4767

COLAGE Boston/Eastern MA

boston@colage.org

617-913-1557

COLAGE Pioneer Valley

Ruby Cymrot-Wu

rcymr[email protected]

MD COLAGE Baltimore

Baltimore@colage.org

COLAGE Ann-Arbor

aacolage@yahoo.com

734-945-2454

COLAGE Ferndale

(248) 398-7105

Cass.Varner@

GoAffirmations.org

COLAGE Twin Cities

colagemntwincities@

yahoo.com

COLAGE St. Louis

314-518-2659

colagestl@yahoo.com

COLAGE Cleveland

216-556-5692

COLAGE Tulsa

T[email protected]g

COLAGE Asheville

hdmichelle@yahoo.com

NH COLAGE Seacoast

(603) 264-3148

nhcolageseacoast@

comcast.net

COLAGE Northern New

Jersey

www.rainbowfamiliesnj.

org/what/index.html

COLAGE NYC

917-923-5497

dori@colagenyc.org

COLAGE Ithaca

Ms. Robbie Sanders

sakar[email protected]

(607) 273-4966

COLAGE Mid Hudson Valley

hudsonvalley@colage.org

(845) 452-2928

Bronx Family Circles

BxFamilyCircles@aol.com

(917) 658– 2825

COLAGE of Western NY

716-826-6388

COLAGE.[email protected]

COLAGE Tulsa

T[email protected]g

COLAGE Portland

(503) 228-3892

info@LMFamily.org

COLAGE Philadelphia

215-772-1107

colage@mountainmeadow.org

COLAGE Central PA

Centralpacolage@yahoo.com

COLAGE Nashville

(615) 397-4567

nashvillefamilypridegroup@

hotmail.com

COLAGE Memphis

colagememphis@yahoo.com

901-552-6194

COLAGE Central Texas

512-731-5231

leza@centexrainbowfami-

lies.org

COLAGE Dallas

dallas@colage.org

469-964-7713

COLAGE El Paso

(915) 543-3062

tonyramos@ppcep.org

JFU Houston

Tristan Tippet

tristan@hglp.org

COLAGE Central VT

CentralVT@colage.org

COLAGE Salt Lake City

(801) 539-8800

carac[email protected]om

COLAGE Seattle

j_feakins@yahoo.com

206-353-2721

COLAGE Spokane

509-589-0489

COLAGE Madison

(608) 276-8010

madison@colage.org

COLAGE Milwaukee/

Southeast Wisconsin

sewisc[email protected]

COLAGE Toronto

toronto@colage.org

COLAGE Winnipeg

Coco and Leigh

colagewpg@hotmail.com

COLAGE Sweden & England

Anna Carlsson

anna.carlsson@lycos.com

NZ Rainbow Families

nzrainbowfamilies@yahoo.

co.nz

Chapters are autono-

mous local groups that

affiliate with COLAGE

and are self-run. We

strive to keep updated

on local contact infor-

mation. If you have

difficulty reaching the

contact listed please let

us know. Thank you.



U.S.

GLOBAL

1550 Bryant Street, Suite 830

San Francisco, CA 94103